Changes

It's pretty weird to write about this, but as this blog is supposed to be about finding your true self in your twenties it would be almost dishonest to leave out the big change going on in my life right now. So here goes.

My boyfriend and I were together for over two years. And we moved in together a few months ago. And we broke up this week.

I won't go into the details of our relationship or our break up. All the things that matter are obviously personal and special to both he and I, and don't need to be shared with everybody. What I want to write about is the transition from being in a committed relationship with the love of my life to being single and independent.

What I will say is that we have the good fortune of ending things on very good terms. While the moment of decision was not necessarily mutual, we both know in our hearts that this is the right thing to do, and we will support each other along the way. That doesn't make it any easier though. It is extremely hard to now be living in the home that we made together all by myself. It's so difficult to not talk to him about every thought and feeling I'm experiencing. And it's next to impossible to try to look to the future and move on, knowing that I simply met my soul mate at the wrong time.

When I was nineteen, I loved being single. I was going out all the time and dating a lot of guys, and I'd just stopped seeing someone I really liked because it felt like it was starting to get serious. I loved being independent and free. I could appreciate that I was young and should live in the moment, but I also had so many plans. One reason I was so adamant about not getting serious with anybody was because I was about to move to England for six months. But then a few weeks before I left I met the man who would become my boyfriend for the next couple years. In hindsight, the problems in our relationship trace back to that unlucky timing. I fell in love with him, but that doesn't mean I grew up and instantly became girlfriend material.

Of course, the majority of our relationship was fun and happy and positive. But when problems did arise, we always seemed to come back to this point about timing. I was not ready for a relationship when I met him, yet could not seem to say no to him like I'd been able to do with other guys because of the simple fact that I did love him. This tension and confusion built up inside me, and seemed to come out in horrible ways sometimes. If only we'd met a couple years later, when I'd decided for myself that I was ready for a boyfriend before we met, then maybe I would have fit the relationship mould a little better. I do not believe that I loved the wrong person, I just believe that it happened at the wrong time. And it's hard to get over that.

Now I am finding myself back where I was at the age of nineteen, just halfway through university. Except I'm 21. And I'm graduating. Wouldn't it have been perfect if I'd spent the past two years living the single student life, and been ready for a relationship now, as the rest of my life is beginning? Too bad you can't go back in time.

One positive spin that a lot of my friends and family have been presenting to me is the fact that my life would be changing right now anyway. In a few weeks I will be done with school, and I already didn't know where I would be working or what I would be doing. Now I can just add that I also don't know where I'll be living or who I'll be doing this with... In moments of sadness and regret, this thought brings all-consuming loneliness, but in moments of optimism, it brings feelings of liberation. For the first time in a while, I can legitimately make it all about me. I can be selfish without hurting anybody in the process. I can potentially go anywhere and do anything. Uncertainty can be terrifying, but it can also be freeing.

It's a stretch to say that that idea excites me already. Right now, the focus is on getting used to being by myself in the day to day. It's hard to say good bye to somebody who shared your life so completely. But at least I have that glimmer of possibility now. I can slowly start to grab hold of the adventurous ambition that used to define me, and do whatever it is that I want to do. Up until a couple weeks ago, I thought my twenties would consist of starting a career and a family. But maybe my twenties will be all about carefree spontaneity. Maybe I'll revert back to that impulsive nineteen year old and finally complete that stage of my life. OR maybe I'll learn that a serious relationship actually is what I really want. Either way, it's all about finding your true self - learning who you are and what you want. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.