Full Circle

I have two weeks of classes left before exams and then I'm done my BA. Notice the absence of an exclamation point there. Because I am not excited.

I love being a student! (!) And while of course there have been many times when I've been wishing that I was this close to the end, now that it is here, it's pretty bitter. (People around me keep saying "bittersweet" but I'm not there yet.)

Two big things happened today to shock me into this comatose state in which I drag my studying heels as much possible. The first is that I had my last English Majors Seminar. This is a required course that every English Lit. student has to take in their last year, and I absolutely loved mine. Now that it's over, I'm realizing that my entire undergraduate experience is coming to an end. It didn't help that my professor decided the conceit of the discussion would be full circles and how the end always leads back to the beginning (cue irrational panic attack: have I accomplished nothing in four years!?) while serving cookies that he informed us could be bought at a 24 hour bakery downtown that we must look out for next time we find ourselves on Robson St. at 1:00AM in an altered state (I'm going to miss that guy). The good news is, I still have my term paper to write for this class, so that's something to look forward to...

The second is that my little brother got accepted to UBC! While I am extremely proud and excited for him, I am also somewhat devastated for myself. Why does he get to start the best four years of his life while mine are ending!? It was just another reminder that this whole experience is coming to an end, and that I'm approaching it increasingly quickly.

I suppose the root of my anxiety (other than the fact that I genuinely enjoy school and am dreading waking up every day without plans of walking around the most gorgeous campus in the world from one stimulating lecture to the next) is simply the fact that I have been in school for so long. What am I if not a student? This is how I've labelled and defined myself for the past twenty years. It's going to be strange to have something else to write on the 'occupation' line of forms, and it's going to be really strange to stop answering the question "What do you want to be?" and start answering the question "What do you do?"

But, I guess a different twist can be put on all of this. In a few weeks, I will have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything that I want. I won't have reading lists and paper deadlines, or lectures and meetings. I can grab back some of that ambition and adventure that has seemed to escape me over the past couple years as I've settled into a routine of read - write - read - write. I used to love travelling and working and learning in every way, not just in the classroom. These are things that I will have more opportunities for now that being a student won't be taking up all my time.

This might be a good chance to explain the "twenty" part of my "Twenty True," as many people have been asking me what this means. The "truth" part was explained in my first post. The "twenty" part simply refers to the fact that this process of finding my true self is happening in my twenties, as I think it does for many people. This again puts another positive twist on my impending graduation - I'm only 21! The next nine years and beyond will be spent figuring out exactly who I am and what I want. This first student phase is over, but there is so much more to come. This end is actually just another beginning.

And so, I am deciding in this moment that I'm only going to focus on the sweetness of these last few weeks of school and look forward to whatever is coming next, being excited (and a little terrified) about the fact that I have no idea what is about to happen.