Within

Why is it that a break up makes me question absolutely everything in my life? I can't seem to say, "Well my relationship didn't work out, but at least I have a solid income and clear career goals!" Instead it seems to be more like, "Well my relationship didn't work out, my rent is more than I earn, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life." Just a week ago I had an amazing boyfriend, and although other parts of my life were, well, shaky - my hours at work were decreasing, I was frantically looking for an apartment after giving notice at my current one, and I was obsessively editing a grad school application - it felt more exciting than anything else. An opportunity to find a second job! A fresh start in a new apartment! An application to go back home to UBC! Oh the possibilities! And now, it all feels like a chore. The application became tedious and wearisome. The apartment hunt became stressful and tear-filled. And the job search became nonexistent. Why? Because I suddenly had to do it all on my own. And apparently I'm not so great at that. And therein lies the problem.

I tend to pick awesome boyfriends. And while this is great during the relationship, it makes for a difficult transition after. When you become accustomed to a boyfriend who is supportive, helpful, proactive, and encouraging, it can be a shock to the system to then realize that not only do you have to actually do stuff on your own, you have to find the motivation within yourself. And it's a shock to me that this realization shocks me . . . I've always thought of myself as a very independent, ambitious, self-sufficient person. But then the boyfriend is gone and I suddenly have to scour Craigslist alone - and I don't want to. This is not ok.

A relationship - a partnership - is an absolutely wonderful thing. To have someone you can depend on and who depends on you, to have someone who encourages and supports and sometimes even leads you, to have someone who builds you up and gives you your pep talks and reassures you - these are all beautiful things. But I feel that these are things we must earn by first being able to do them for ourselves. I don't know that I ever reached the point at which I fully found all these things within myself before allowing them to come from someone else. And that may be the reason why I have now had two relationships, with men I truly loved and believed would be around forever, fall apart. When you are constantly, even subconsciously, finding your inspiration and motivation from someone you love, you haven't given yourself what you need to love yourself. And that pressure on the relationship will come out in little ways, and make the whole thing crumble.

And so, I think I have finally settled on my abstract resolution for 2014 - to find the power I need within before I ever look to somebody else to give it to me. Because only when I can apply for a job without needing someone else to tell me how awesome I would be at it, and only when I can find a home on my own without needing someone else to assure me it suits me, and only when I can go on a trip, or go back to school, or do anything without needing someone else to tell me it's a great idea, will I be good at being on my own. And then I'll be good at being with somebody else.