When It Rains, It Pours

And I love the rain! (Seriously, as a Vancouver girl, you have to learn to embrace it or you'll never get out of bed.)

A lot of good stuff has flown at me over the past couple weeks. First, I can officially call myself a freelance writer (emphasis on the free, but that's neither here nor there) as I landed a gig writing for Kitsilano.ca. I get to write pretty much anything I want about what's going on in my neighbourhood. Fashion, food, fitness - it's all up to me to explore and document it all. Is there anything more fun than that? (At the risk of shameless self-promotion, I'll just casually pop in this link here...k that's all.)

Second, I got accepted to the Masters program in English Literature at UBC! This blog initially started out as a way for me to document my life as an English student and aspiring writer/professor, so I am SO happy (and relieved) that the pieces are falling into place. I recently was introduced to the following quote, and I have turned to it in moments of stress and uncertainty and moments of happiness and clarity. I find it especially relevant today.

“Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON." 

-Albert Schweitzer

This is the philosophy I live with - to work hard and be smart, but to laugh when things may go wrong, be in the moment, and trust that what is meant to be will be. If you do that, you can always have a smile on, knowing that things will turn out right in the end.

Now, I will have to share more about my impending studies later, as I have a writing assignment to work on and some graduate courses to enroll in - yay!

Beautiful Dreams

Do you ever have one of those moments when you're looking at something that you've seen a thousand times before, and realize that you're really seeing it for the first time?

This morning I was drinking my coffee in bed (don't judge me) when I read the quote printed on the mug I was using. My brother gave me this mug when I graduated from high school (which means I've had it for five years, and even the fact that I have a mug, um, problem (there are too many to count; it challenges the nail polish collection) doesn't excuse my ignorance, as I also have a coffee (umm..) problem and drink three cups a day without a dishwasher so every mug gets used on a regular basis; simple calculations tell me I have used this particular mug at least 500 times) and it boasts the following beautiful quotation:

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Now, I have of course read the quote many times before. I've always thought it lovely and very fitting as a graduation gift. But today was the first time I really read it and felt it truly inspire me.

I'd always been a big dreamer with many plans and aspirations for the future. But I worry that lately I have settled into a rut. I have justified my comfort and lack of ambition to others and myself as saying that I desperately need this time. For the first time in my life, I clock in for about 35 hours a week, and the other 130 hours are mine to do as I please. No two other jobs, no school and studying, just free time. It is glorious to have this time to sleep and socialize and run and write and read. But I have somehow lost all ambition amidst the 9am alarms, lazy afternoons, and late nights. Where did my constant planning, lists of goals, and crazy ideas go? It's time to bring them back.

I have many beautiful dreams, and now I need to start believing in them and putting them into action. I want to:

-Run my next half marathon in an hour and a half, so that I can justifiably call myself a "runner"

-Travel to Peru, San Francisco, Australia, and all the other places, near and far, that I constantly add to my List of Places to Go, so that I can be deemed a "traveler"

-Start a career that allows me to write about something I believe in, so that I can finally be labelled a "writer"

The future belongs to those who dream big and believe in the beauty of those dreams. I dream of being a runner, a traveler, and a writer.

What are some of your beautiful dreams?

Thursday

Once in a while, I wake up inspired.

It is wonderful to wake up in the morning feeling so peaceful and positive. When this feeling coincides with a day off, suddenly anything seems possible. And when you realize that the rare February sun is shining, opportunities for the day ahead appear endless. Is there anything better than a blue sky Thursday with absolutely nothing to do? Right now, I can't think of a single thing that could top that.

When I wake up with this feeling of pure contentment and exhilaration, there are two things I want to do. I want to run and I want to write. And today, my schedule and the weather not only permitted but also encouraged both.

After a lazy morning of snoozing the alarm and drinking coffee in bed, I walked down to the beach (yes, walked - more on my new home to come soon, I'm sure, as I'm absolutely obsessed with the Kits life and probably won't be able to not brag about it for much longer) for a lovely run along the sunny but windy seawall. (The flow was somewhat interrupted by my incessant need to stop every thirty seconds to take a picture of the breathtaking view (To my new iPhone: I love you, but you're much too possessive! When will you loosen this hold you have over me?), but nevertheless it was exhilarating.) After nipping home for a shower and lunch I ventured out again to settle into one of my favourite coffee shops with a giant mug of steaming tea, my laptop, a slice of sunshine, and hours of free time to just write.

A day sparked by inspiration and clear skies lends itself to endless opportunity. Sometimes the day calls for adventure and excitement, for new experiences, for activities and plans. But sometimes, it calls for alone time and reflection, for comfort, and for appreciation of the little things.

Sometimes I want to just run and write, and today I got to do both. Is there anything better than that?

Almonds and Oreos

Almonds and Oreos are keeping me company right now on this six-hour bus ride to Vancouver from Kelowna. I spent the past couple days visiting my sister who goes to school there, and now I'm trekking through the Fraser Valley on my way back home.

For most of my last two years at university, I spent every other weekend on the Greyhound to and from Seattle, and so long bus rides are something I am all too familiar with. I can spot the woman who will recline her seat all the way (and I mean all the way) immediately after settling in with her blanket (!), book, and Tupper-Ware of homemade cookies, and so avoid sitting directly behind her. I am not the slightest bit surprised (which can't be said for aforementioned reclining lady) when the guy one seat over and three seats back gets off in Hope to smoke a joint. I know when to look preoccupied enough that certain people won't ask to sit beside me, and when to offer the seat to certain other people in order to accept the lesser of two evils. I also know what snacks to bring. Realistically, I'm never going to eat a sandwich that's been bumping around in my bag for five hours. May as well commit to the Oreos from the get-go. I know who I'm dealing with here.

As un-glamorous and, well, gross as travelling by bus can sometimes be, it is definitely an eye-opener and one more form of travel that showcases things you would otherwise never see. I recently came this close (my fingers are excruciatingly close together) to booking an impromptu trip back to Costa Rica, and in the wake of deciding to stay put for now, realized I could take mini trips in an effort to scratch my travel itch.

I have to say that I am quite surprised that it is working so well so far. You'd think that a bus ride through BC to cold Kelowna would pale in comparison to the exotic jungle and beaches of Costa Rica. But the truth is that when you love travelling, you will somehow find the same satisfaction in every new place you go, no matter where it is or how you get there. Travelling is just as much about being with yourself as it is about being somewhere new, and sometimes what I need from travel isn't necessarily a crazy adventure, but just the opposite. This time, what I really needed was a little break from life, some good sister time, a few new sights and sounds, and some rest and relaxation. And that's exactly what Kelowna had to offer me over the past couple days. An abundance of pancakes, long and chilly nature walks, leisurely soaks in the hot tub, piping hot tea lattes, good catch ups curled up in blankets in front of the TV - these are all simple pleasures that were thoroughly enjoyed during my little vacation. I got exactly what I needed, and I didn't have to travel half way around the world to get it.

Don't get me wrong. I love crazy adventures and exotic locations. That won't change anytime soon. But for now, a short trip to see the sis can serve all my travel desires and turn out to be exactly what the doctor ordered.

Instinct

Oh, life. Just when I think I've got you figured out and have wrapped my head around you, you throw yet another curveball and I realize that I don't understand you at all.

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions and changes and I'm expecting many people to call me a hypocrite for getting back together with my boyfriend after all the yapping I did about needing alone time to find myself. And I would agree with those people - it is quite hypocritical to go off on a rant about the necessity of being single, and then jump back into a relationship. But the thing is, sometimes you just have to go with your gut. Follow your heart. . . Trust your instincts. . . .

Seriously, I truly believe that your intuition will lead you to the right place, as long as you don't completely lose your head along the way. The day after I wrote my blog post about finding happiness within before looking for it from somebody else, my ex boyfriend told me he wanted to get back together. And at first I really struggled with the decision, because since the break up I had been consistently telling myself that I needed time alone before returning to a relationship. My initial reaction was to start making a list of pros and cons and call a conference amongst my friends to debate the best move to make. But I resisted, and instead I asked myself what felt right. What were my instincts telling me?

Obviously, my instincts were telling me not to give up on this particular relationship. And so I listened to them, and dove back in. What I'm so thankful for, though, is the necessary relationship between intuition and reason, and the ability my writing gives me to marry the two effectively. Had I not written that blog post, I would have still been an emotional wreck when confronted with this decision, and I may have made the same choice, but it would have been for different reasons. Writing, thereby sorting through my thoughts and feelings, put me in a position where I really could trust my instincts, because I was feeling so secure in myself when it came time for them to kick into action.

I guess what I'm getting at is that even when you think you've got it all figured out, something will shift and you'll suddenly realize that nothing is ever certain. But as long as you get to know and trust yourself along the way, you will be able to rely on your instincts to lead you down the right path in those moments that are too abstract for lists and debates.

How to Survive a Break Up or Die Trying

This blog is all about fumbling through my twenties, and a big part of your (read: my) twenties is breaking up. Apparently I am quickly becoming an expert on the subject, and I felt it was my duty to pass along what I've learned so far. Because what's the point in crying into your ice cream bucket (Did I say bucket? I meant bowl.) and discarding every last shred of dignity if others can't learn from your mistakes? So here we go. This is what I know about what to do, and what not to do, to survive a break up.

1) Go for a run. Or if running isn't your thing then go on a bike ride or to a yoga class or just stand up and touch your toes. Do whatever it takes to remind your heart and mind that there is a BODY here that is still intact and needs looking after. Plus, working up a sweat and staying in shape is something you are doing purely FOR YOU - and that is so important right now.

2) DO NOT TEXT HIM. AND DEFINITELY DO NOT CALL HIM. This is the worst. You'll think you can be "casual" and "just friends" but this will NOT happen right away - a text brings conversation and then feelings and then tears and it's just not worth it. I wanted to text my ex the other day to tell him I was eating an amazing avocado. But did I? No! (Well, maybe . . . It was a really good avocado. Somebody had to know! I may not always practice what I preach, but please do as I say and not as I do. Just don't text him.)

3) Do your laundry. Wash your face. And for god's sake run a comb through that mane. Nobody wants to see that. Won't you feel better wearing clean clothes and looking like an actual WOMAN instead of some messy little child? And what if you bump into him? Did you ever think about that? Just pull it together, for everybody's sake. Sometimes you have to FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT, and looking good on the outside might even make you feel a little better on the inside.

4) Schedule in some crying time. This sounds strange, I know, but it works. Chances are you will be emotionally unstable and on the verge of tears in the immediate aftermath, so by giving yourself some ALONE TIME to cry you are avoiding potential public disaster. (I find the morning shower is most suitable. You can get it all out then get on with your day.) Had I not skipped my shower cry yesterday morning, I most likely would not have flooded my nachos with tears when No Scrubs erupted through the speakers at the bar last night. (TLC is a sore spot. Don't ask.)

5) Indulge in a guilty pleasure (or three). Now is NOT the time for deprivation. Spoil yourself. He's not going to do it for you. I can't tell you how many Oreos I've eaten over the past week. (Well, I can. But I'm choosing to keep that number to myself.) If an Oreo makes me happy, then I'm going to HAVE AN EFFING OREO. And if ice cream makes me happy, then I'm going to have some ice cream. And if I want to watch the same episode of Seinfeld four times in a row, then I'm going to watch the same episode of Seinfeld four times in a row. And if I want to put three bath bombs in the tub, then . . . well, you get the point. Indulge. Distract. Smile.

There you have it. A break up survival guide from yours truly, a break up expert.

Within

Why is it that a break up makes me question absolutely everything in my life? I can't seem to say, "Well my relationship didn't work out, but at least I have a solid income and clear career goals!" Instead it seems to be more like, "Well my relationship didn't work out, my rent is more than I earn, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life." Just a week ago I had an amazing boyfriend, and although other parts of my life were, well, shaky - my hours at work were decreasing, I was frantically looking for an apartment after giving notice at my current one, and I was obsessively editing a grad school application - it felt more exciting than anything else. An opportunity to find a second job! A fresh start in a new apartment! An application to go back home to UBC! Oh the possibilities! And now, it all feels like a chore. The application became tedious and wearisome. The apartment hunt became stressful and tear-filled. And the job search became nonexistent. Why? Because I suddenly had to do it all on my own. And apparently I'm not so great at that. And therein lies the problem.

I tend to pick awesome boyfriends. And while this is great during the relationship, it makes for a difficult transition after. When you become accustomed to a boyfriend who is supportive, helpful, proactive, and encouraging, it can be a shock to the system to then realize that not only do you have to actually do stuff on your own, you have to find the motivation within yourself. And it's a shock to me that this realization shocks me . . . I've always thought of myself as a very independent, ambitious, self-sufficient person. But then the boyfriend is gone and I suddenly have to scour Craigslist alone - and I don't want to. This is not ok.

A relationship - a partnership - is an absolutely wonderful thing. To have someone you can depend on and who depends on you, to have someone who encourages and supports and sometimes even leads you, to have someone who builds you up and gives you your pep talks and reassures you - these are all beautiful things. But I feel that these are things we must earn by first being able to do them for ourselves. I don't know that I ever reached the point at which I fully found all these things within myself before allowing them to come from someone else. And that may be the reason why I have now had two relationships, with men I truly loved and believed would be around forever, fall apart. When you are constantly, even subconsciously, finding your inspiration and motivation from someone you love, you haven't given yourself what you need to love yourself. And that pressure on the relationship will come out in little ways, and make the whole thing crumble.

And so, I think I have finally settled on my abstract resolution for 2014 - to find the power I need within before I ever look to somebody else to give it to me. Because only when I can apply for a job without needing someone else to tell me how awesome I would be at it, and only when I can find a home on my own without needing someone else to assure me it suits me, and only when I can go on a trip, or go back to school, or do anything without needing someone else to tell me it's a great idea, will I be good at being on my own. And then I'll be good at being with somebody else.